It was a blizzard. Driving over Elk Mountain in Wyoming. Almost zero visibility,white knuckling the steering wheel. Asking myself in that moment how the hell did I get myself into this situation?
Oh yes . . him
A spontaneous thought to message and old acquaintance on a whim. A whim that I have when I was driving through Wyoming weeks earlier. A day that was so bright and clear. Blue skies and snow covered hills. A thought that maybe this random person would want to explore hot springs with me in Idaho in May. Maybe. And he said he did and then it started. A connection that bloomed between two people. A spark that I was willing to drive through a blizzard for to be able to be in Reno, Nv. by New Years so I could kiss him at midnight.
There was so much to us in a short time. It was real and it was beautiful. I wasn’t afraid to speak my truth, to be myself, and in a way that set me free. It’s an amazing thing to be able to trust your partner wholeheartedly. He’s the first man I’ve liked a beard on. His eyes are this amazing shade of blue or green, sometimes a mix. He captivated me but didn’t overwhelm me. I was tentative at first. I couldn’t believe that he existed. The list that I made so many moons ago of my ideal mate, I just kept checking off boxes in my head every time I was with him. He knew that I was wild and let me be so. Every time I left him I knew that I would be seeing him again. Kiss those lips again, make love again, laugh again. There was so much beauty in ‘us’ and I was really happy.
He was mountains and hot springs. Forests and rivers. All the places that I loved and that spoke to my freedom loving soul. We would lay in bed and he would tickle my bare shoulder with his beard and I would smile. It was too soon for concrete dreams but I had a whimsical fantasy or two of having him around long term. One day waking up to his face and every day after that. I held myself back but there was so much of me that wanted to fall in love with him. There was passion and butterflies but there was reality too which was a welcome change from something all consuming and not real.
When I had arrived after the 3 days journey from Colorado we laid in bed in the dark. I think both of us didn’t know what to do now that we had each other. I wished upon a star in my mind for him to kiss me and he did. It was everything I was hoping it would be and I breathed a little sigh of joy when he wrapped his arms around me. And when we eventually made love our bodies just fit together. He touched all my buttons and I made him gasp over and over.
There was so much in such a short time. It was so close to being perfect, as perfect as anything can be because nothing is ever perfect. But he wasn’t meant to be mine for long. He warned me in the beginning that he might not be ready. Two relationships back to back with no time to process or reflect and then came me. But he said I was too good to pass up. If we didn’t do this then we never would and neither one of us wanted that regret. So we tried and we gave it what we could. In the end he still needed to fly on his own for a while. I remember him telling me some days before we broke up that he was worried that in order for us to be long term we would need to split so he could find those missing pieces of himself. He needed to be whole. It makes sense, you cannot love someone else unless you are whole and loving of yourself. So I let him go back to the wind. I would like to think that we will come back together. After all we did agree that we were meant to happen. There is pain in my heart but no regret, no resentment. If we truly are meant to be we will be. I’m worth it. He’s worth it. We are worth it.
So we shall see. Until then I will fly on my own wind currents.
I dream of him and mountains and I smile
Frustration sets in. The pain that I feel is alleviated somewhat by the heating pad but not much. I want to get up and do things, be active, go outside but then the cramps hit again and I’m flat on my back staring up to the ceiling.
I’ve realized though that this is a test in patience. It’s the subtly of life that I need to focus on. The desire to create movement is replaced by the forcing of myself to slow down and look inward. It’s not so bad to look into one’s own eyes every now and again.
I feel the pull to the open road. I’m supposed to be living in San Diego until May. I can do 4 months somewhere solid right? Incredible house, good friends, all the sunshine I could ever ask for. I get this and in the next moment I crave snow and storms, the cold that I need to wear layers, fire places and hot chocolate. I wonder if I will ever be satiated in this life. If I could ever call someplace ‘home’ again. I like the ‘idea’ of home. It would be nice to get everything out of my storage unit and see what I own. I’d really like to find that dress I’ve been looking for (it’s been a year long search, albeit a lazy one).To lay on my own bed instead of patting it fondly every couple of months or so.
But . . .
Then when I get close to having a home I turn and run. Bound for the open road again. Right now I have a dresser. It’s actually the first time I’ve unpacked a bag in a while. But it’s only temporary. Only until May. Then I’m loose again on the wind. So many places call my heart. The mountains, the ocean, unexplored countries, friends, family, and that special someone who’s become dear to me. So many options and then yet again not enough.I don’t really know where I’m going or how I’m getting there. What I do know is that I’m going and thats the adventure that drives me. So I will continue to wander, to laugh, sometimes cry, and maybe fall in love. And climb mountains . . there will always be mountains
Dreams enveloped me last night. I awoke with a kitten draped around my neck and soft light filtering through the window.
There’s so much space in my mind right now. I keep stopping myself and reminding myself to breathe and that it’s going to be alright. And then I think about that thought and wonder what exactly is going to be alright. Life is pretty good right now. New (to me) car, work is happening, school on the horizon, and endless possibilities. I know that I miss him. But the sadness isn’t world ending heart wrenching sadness. He’s still dear in my heart and I love more now than ever before. There’s a peace that goes along with it and I’m glad for it.
I think this year is going to be life changing for me. I can feel it. Standing on the precipice waiting to jump. I can feel the change looming and I think that it’s that feeling that brings on the anxiety. It’s not a negative anxiety either, more like a restlessness. “let’s get this over already” type thing. I’m ready to move forward, more so now than ever before. I can only imagine what it will be like, who I will be like.
There’s so much to say about my time with this human who became so special to me. I know that I will never be the same again. I need to hold these memories close and write more when my mind quiets down. I already miss him so. But there’s one image that I have locked in my mind. At a party after the huge party, in the desert, sitting on the edge of the crowd, watching people be people, firelight illuminated his face and he was looking at me with that crazy and beautiful red hair going wild and a half smile on his face and he looked so happy and so incredibly beautiful. That’s the moment I think about when I think of him. That image is locked in my memory forever. I will say that I kissed his lips 4 days ago and then walked away. I give the love I have to the desert winds and let it sail.
Driving calms me. There is a creature inside me that wants to fly, to be free. Going for drive satiates that need most of the time. I drove from Arcata to the Oregon border and back. I stopped at Crissy Field beach just on the other side. Stepped onto a beach in Oregon. It was strange to feel so close and so far at the same time. I thought a great deal about life and the road on this particular drive. I don’t know how I feel about settling down. I’m not sure how I will feel about putting down roots for a bit. Part of me is terrified. I don’t want to be in a cage. At the same time I can’t be nomadic forever. In the end something’s gotta give. I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know how my heart is going to feel. I don’t know how school is going to work out. I don’t know over and over. I’m usually good at embracing chaos. This time I’m uncertain. I guess I need to just keep driving and hope that it makes sense some day.
It is a challenge when you withdraw so far into your shell. I can see it happening. I know that even though you tell me that you are alright you’re in a battle that I cannot even begin to comprehend. So I sent out the love and then I step back into the shadows.