It was a blizzard. Driving over Elk Mountain in Wyoming. Almost zero visibility,white knuckling the steering wheel. Asking myself in that moment how the hell did I get myself into this situation?
Oh yes . . him
A spontaneous thought to message and old acquaintance on a whim. A whim that I have when I was driving through Wyoming weeks earlier. A day that was so bright and clear. Blue skies and snow covered hills. A thought that maybe this random person would want to explore hot springs with me in Idaho in May. Maybe. And he said he did and then it started. A connection that bloomed between two people. A spark that I was willing to drive through a blizzard for to be able to be in Reno, Nv. by New Years so I could kiss him at midnight.
There was so much to us in a short time. It was real and it was beautiful. I wasn’t afraid to speak my truth, to be myself, and in a way that set me free. It’s an amazing thing to be able to trust your partner wholeheartedly. He’s the first man I’ve liked a beard on. His eyes are this amazing shade of blue or green, sometimes a mix. He captivated me but didn’t overwhelm me. I was tentative at first. I couldn’t believe that he existed. The list that I made so many moons ago of my ideal mate, I just kept checking off boxes in my head every time I was with him. He knew that I was wild and let me be so. Every time I left him I knew that I would be seeing him again. Kiss those lips again, make love again, laugh again. There was so much beauty in ‘us’ and I was really happy.
He was mountains and hot springs. Forests and rivers. All the places that I loved and that spoke to my freedom loving soul. We would lay in bed and he would tickle my bare shoulder with his beard and I would smile. It was too soon for concrete dreams but I had a whimsical fantasy or two of having him around long term. One day waking up to his face and every day after that. I held myself back but there was so much of me that wanted to fall in love with him. There was passion and butterflies but there was reality too which was a welcome change from something all consuming and not real.
When I had arrived after the 3 days journey from Colorado we laid in bed in the dark. I think both of us didn’t know what to do now that we had each other. I wished upon a star in my mind for him to kiss me and he did. It was everything I was hoping it would be and I breathed a little sigh of joy when he wrapped his arms around me. And when we eventually made love our bodies just fit together. He touched all my buttons and I made him gasp over and over.
There was so much in such a short time. It was so close to being perfect, as perfect as anything can be because nothing is ever perfect. But he wasn’t meant to be mine for long. He warned me in the beginning that he might not be ready. Two relationships back to back with no time to process or reflect and then came me. But he said I was too good to pass up. If we didn’t do this then we never would and neither one of us wanted that regret. So we tried and we gave it what we could. In the end he still needed to fly on his own for a while. I remember him telling me some days before we broke up that he was worried that in order for us to be long term we would need to split so he could find those missing pieces of himself. He needed to be whole. It makes sense, you cannot love someone else unless you are whole and loving of yourself. So I let him go back to the wind. I would like to think that we will come back together. After all we did agree that we were meant to happen. There is pain in my heart but no regret, no resentment. If we truly are meant to be we will be. I’m worth it. He’s worth it. We are worth it.
So we shall see. Until then I will fly on my own wind currents.
I dream of him and mountains and I smile