I awoke this morning, early. A raging inferno occupying my brain. Too many thoughts to make any kind of sense. I want to purge them but they seem to be moving too fast to grab hold.I desire freedom from this affliction. To truly let go and accept what is. I think we all suffer from this. But to hold on too tight ends up breaking things. So I wake, stretch like a cat, talk myself down and start my day.
I feel like I’m cracking open and sprouting. It’s so painful yet so necessary
I seems like I might get on a morning writing habit. So much to say and then to say or not say? My head is swimming with words. Some fit together in cohesive sentences and some, well they just do their thing.
My body aches from working out. Picking my coffee cup up makes my shoulders scream in protest. Maybe I’m a bit of a masochist but I am loving it. Reminders that I’m still in my body, that I’m still in control. Feeling healthier already after only a couple of days. And happier in mind that I’m doing something positive for myself because I do love myself. As I write this I’m getting ready to head back to the gym for another session. Bring on the pain train!
He looked at me with that kind of frantic stare that one who has seen pain, has lived with it and buried it deep only to realize that it’s still there, can muster. “You don’t even know what I think about everyday”
No sweetie I don’t, but then again, you don’t know what I think about every day either.
His, handsome tattooed face in a frown. I wanted to reach out and pull him close but this was not a moment for closeness it seemed
Two people with so much to give that managed to find each other in a fucked up world such as this. But both are broken, like two little glass birds missing wings.
I sit here in the early morning, preparing my mind for the first yoga class that I will take in many years. I stare out the window to gray skies and redwood trees. I still wonder if I made the right choice in making this place my home. Very few friends at the moment, a small place with not a lot going on, a fledgling relationship that in a short amount of time has become oh so special but it has is challenges. And then I see the beauty of my surroundings. The trees are glorious. Standing under them I feel my concerns about life so miniscule. I’ve always believed in magic of some sort but being here, hearing the wind blow, seeing what has sustained for hundreds of years; it just seems impossible that magic could not exist. I chose to come here. To slow down, to be able to feel all the uncomfortableness that stirs in my soul that was masked from the noise. To create a future for myself where I can sustain but also be free. To learn to love myself more, to love life more. In the last couple months I’ve experienced such a high but also some pretty serious lows and lastly a kind of quiet peace that I haven’t seen in a while or perhaps ever. So instead of running like part of me wants to do I will continue to sit, drink my coffee quietly and then go to yoga.
It seems like I can never seem to keep up with these things. Life swirls around me at an almost break neck speed and I forget to document any of it. Sometimes I wonder what the point is but then I realize that maybe I need to know that I had lived. That no matter what I had given it my all in this one life.
I’m sitting in Los Angeles using someone else’s computer to write these words. I’m not even sure these words will amount to anything worthwhile but something has to come out of me or I might go mad.
In my 34 years on this planet I have watched myself change and grow. Now I’m standing at the crossroads yet again. Where do I belong? Los Angeles seems to be calling my name at the moment. The chance to move forward in life and finally leave the ghosts behind. But that move has it’s own worries. And in the back of my mind is the fear of being hurt again. Almost wanting to run so that potential heartbreak doesn’t even have the chance to materialize. Maybe I am meant to walk this life alone. However,this is a question that I do not have time to ponder. I have my own life to deal with and love will have to remain tucked in the drawers with other dreams that I don’t have time for.
Many New year’s have come and gone in my 33 years in this current life. Most of them I’ve barely blinked an eye but this one seems different. This year seems different. Things are changing, I can feel it. I look forward to this new beginning and adventures that I have yet to imagine.
This past March I was supposed to be traversing a jungle paradise in Bali. Even though it was the one place I’ve been wanting to go most in the world right now in my life I had to give it up. The circumstances weren’t right. It would have been a Greek tragedy, the tears falling in mass with tempers flared high like bonfires. I gave up a dream to save my soul. I only hope that I will dream that dream again but in my way, my time. My own road. Making the decision to not go broke my heart. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t feel sadness over it. I guess these are those moments that are supposed to teach you to raise up and change your life. I’m listening, please cradle me so I don’t fall.
Today I’m feeling a bit lonely. It’s seems so silly to me to see that I have 1300 friends on Facebook and still feel like I have no one. Being alone is a funny animal. I’m learning to be friends with it but it’s challenging. I feel like society tries to mold us into the needy people it was us to be. consume all the time, be doing something all the time. There is a lot to say to be able to just be with yourself. I keep learning . . .